This is a book on how to use research evidence to parent children from 10-18. As the mum of an 8 year old (and am dreading the teenage years) and who works with junior athletes aged 10 and over I really wanted to delve in and see what I could learn for myself and the parents I often advise.
Overall, the book is incredibly readable; I read the entire book while waiting for my daughter at a party, her ballet and circus classes and while she flooded the room with dreamhouse barbie shows. It is meticulously researched (references for every study are cited) and really pragmatic. Not only do you quickly pick up that the author has lived many of the issues and dilemmas which are covered but while it elegantly sets out what the research says is ideal best practice, it is full of acceptance that we are all human and can only do our best.
My main take aways are below but the highlights were chapter 4 on Mood (brilliant for understanding why your teen might react the way they do), chapter 5 on mental health (containing some fascinating discussions on whether the amount we now talk about mental health helps or hinders) and chapter 7 on risk and reward (covering the tricky subjects that few of us are looking forward to tackling; sex, porn, drug use and vaping).
The wisdom:
- Home environment: A positive emotional family climate makes parenting strategies more likely to boost teenage wellbeing. Give them space to talk and listen like you are a newspaper editor, trying to get to their story’s compelling essence to write the headline.
- Relationship with you: The amount of conflict is worst ages 10-12 then drops. The intensity of conflict though increases until 16. Attacks are not personal – they are going through the natural, inevitable process of separating from you. Their safety with you comes from the ability to disagree well – not the absence of disagreeing.
- Mood: Feeling things deeply is a normal part of teenage development. A teens mood fluctuates more as their brains are more sensitive to social rejection and risk taking and they will often see hostility that doesn’t exist.
- Rules: Having rules is about building your child up for a future life without you and they should only be changed after thoughtful reflection – not based on how forcefully your child fights them.
10 pieces of advice:
- Acknowledge emotions – help them grow their emotional literacy and their media literacy.
- Talk about the pressures they are dealing with
- Look after yourself so you can be their rock
- Hold onto routines (they provide safety)
- Do not use psychological control (i.e. avoid guilt or fear) or harsh discipline
- Read the same books and watch the same shows they do to find routes to connection
- Ask if they want advice – don’t just foist it on them
- Listen but don’t try to fix
- Help them feel useful (chores or volunteering) and to feel good at something (sport or a hobby)
- Set clear expectations – don’t bribe or instruct.
Key take home messages:
- Be the safe port when your child is sailing in stormy seas.
- The plasticity of the teenage brain makes it vulnerable to toxic stress but also open to the influence of things that enhance resilience. Resilience will come from being able to reframe difficult experiences and to be flexible in their thinking.
- Parents have to walk a tightrope, balancing the twin weights of our teenagers growing independence and the knowledge of where thoughtless decisions can lead.
- Their decision making is driven by rewards, other people’s emotion and social feedback.
- Firm, rational boundaries are linked to positive relationship outcomes.
- Teenagerhood is a time of curiosity, creativity and feeling deeply. Your teenage experiences emotions in colour and you experience them in monochrome.
- More than anything… offer warmth, guidance and limits.
Parenting is available anywhere you buy your books – but for ease here is a link to it on Amazon

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