I’ve not blogged in what feels like forever – basically since April. I have an inbox full of blog ideas I’ve sent myself to work on and they sit there glaring at me – guilt seeping off the screen but, you know, lockdown.
But someone put a comment on the posts about training for Paris that it would be interesting to know what happened once Paris went out the window (currently scheduled for October 18th but I’m assuming it won’t happen) and it got me thinking that it is actually once we suffer a setback that the lessons really begin and we can get stronger – so here I am. Reflecting.
Compared to many others I’ve got away really lightly over lockdown. I’ve not been ill. In fact the three of us (I live with my husband and our 3 year old daughter) have been healthier than ever as we’ve not been run down or outside picking up our usual colds and viruses. My husband can easily work from home and I can still see the athletes I work with over Skype. Athlete work has reduced but writing work increased so it balances out well. But both of us working full time and looking after our daughter has not been easy. There has been far too much Ben and Holly (v v irritating cartoon), not enough ABC Mouse (which is an educational App) to learn her numbers and letters and while we tried to do lots of treasure hunts, bouncing (we gave in half way through and bought a trampoline) and den making it always felt rushed because we had emails piling up and constant guilt about not doing anything properly. On the lovely side though we have skipped together, learnt how to hula hoop and she has finally got brave enough on her balance bike to ask for a fast bike with pedals. In reflection it sounds pretty good. At the time not so good. So much stress from not knowing how long it would last and so spending the whole time feeling guilty about not doing enough of anything and failing at lockdown (not once did we make Sourdough or Banana Bread).
I gave myself 30 minutes a day to run and found one route that was fairly safe to run on (we are in a city – people everywhere and my usual run route banned runners and cyclists) and getting to listen to podcasts normalising that full time work and full time childcare and trying to stay somewhat healthy is really tough.
Most sports psychs I know well don’t have children yet so I was envying the time they would have to really focus on their own growth and development. What really helped was hearing a podcast (Locked Down Parenting – Loved it) with one of the comedians they interviewed being in a really similar situation saying: ‘This isn’t a writing retreat – it is a global pandemic’. Really gave a good kick up the bum to count my blessings.
So what happened to all those miles in the legs, the great habits developed and the mental skills honed in the build up to Paris. To be honest I let most of them go. I’m ok with that. It was great to know I could train properly if I want to but I definitely need a goal to do it. And when I don’t have a goal I’m not built to push myself too hard. I have run five times a week. I did 100 miles in May for Miles for Mind and liked the challenge and I have done a few of my coaches brick sessions but hard efforts don’t entice. I need a purpose to push myself and right now my purpose is just to stay fit and healthy.
Running had become my head space, my place to day dream, learn and come up with new ideas. And I love that. It doesn’t have to feel hard and full of effort. Ambling along with Josh Widdecome (Locked Down Parenting) or Annie Emmerson and Louise Minchin (Her Spirit podcast) in my ears is more than enough.
Our daughter is back at nursery now. The day before she went back she told me: ‘I love you and daddy but I really want to see my friends’ and my heart sang. She wanted normality back as much as we did. And she is absolutely thriving being back.
And yet the desire to race and get fast has stayed away. Instead I’m using running for a lunchtime catch up with my husband or a way to get to the park to see friends for a socially distanced coffee. It is no longer head space but heart space. Allowing me to spend time with people I love. A purpose I’ll hang onto for a while.